Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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