Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
