do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
