She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize