Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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