I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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