Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
