Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize