You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
