You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
