last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
