I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
