Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
