So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
