I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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