____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
