The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
