You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
