There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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