I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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