am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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