Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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