yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
