I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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