Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
