Umm I'm too high to move.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
