He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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