There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
