Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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