if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
