If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
