Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
