Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize