Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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