don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Every concussion has its silver lining
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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