Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
