Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
