I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
