3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
