it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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