I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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