You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
