somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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