I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
