quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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