Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
