I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
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