My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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