Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I have aggressive nipples.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I got copblocked.
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
