At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Randomize
