hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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