Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
