why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
