well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
