At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
