Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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