I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Randomize
