I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She bit a glass in half.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Randomize
