fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
