the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
