I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
