i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
