Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
