the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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