Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
