Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
