Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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