i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Someone signed my nipple.
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