apparently the secret to your success is patron
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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