Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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