yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Green mimosas i think yes
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize