At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
