if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize