Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
