Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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