Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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