I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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